seeing is believing.
i’m starting to wonder if the reason i don’t have a guy in my life is because i never saw a guy in my life.
most of what i was interested in when i was younger has manifested itself into my adult life in some way. i always loved reading and writing when i was a kid, and my favorite class was always english (or “language arts”, as it was called in elementary and junior high school). i always loved words. i always loved putting words together. i would read the dictionary for fun.
the only thing i loved more than writing was fashion. it interested me even before i knew it was a thing you could be interested in. like most little girls, i begged my mom to let me dress myself, and relished the time i would spend picking out my clothes and pairing like things together. the older i got, the more obsessed i became. if i spent half as much time in high school focusing on my schoolwork as i did worrying about what i was going to wear that day, i probably could have been valedictorian. i’m blessed to be able to have a job that combines my two biggest loves.
something i never saw for myself, however, was a dude. i wasn’t one of those little girls that dreamt of finding a husband, getting married, or having a huge wedding — and when i hear women say “i’ve been dreaming about this day since i was a little girl”, it makes me shudder a bit. while those girls were probably fantasizing about what their bouquets would look like or which song they would walk down the aisle to, i was furiously typing on my word processor, working on my “novel”. not like one is better than the other. i’m just saying.
i never dreamt about getting married. i dreamt about making fantastic friends, having a great job, a nice place to live, and more importantly, being able to support myself. i dreamt of living in a big city and coming and going as i pleased, wearing cute clothes and traveling a lot. and now, at almost 26, i can say that i’m doing it (well, some of it). but i’m starting to think that the things i didn’t dream about aren’t going to happen, for that exact reason.
full disclosure: i’ve been in a total of one (1) serious relationship in my life. i rarely date. guys that i want to approach me never do, and i get nervous to put myself out there because i have a hard time with rejection. i don’t walk around pitying myself, but i do sometimes feel like i might die alone because i value my job and apartment and friends more than a relationship. it’s how i’ve always been, and that scares me.
i never, ever had a ken doll. oh, i had a million barbies; i had barbie’s sisters skipper and midge and baby staci, and all of her forced multicultural friends. but never ken. i couldn’t be bothered. if my mom told me i could pick out one thing at the store, i chose barbie. or a set of clothes for barbie. i chose barbie’s car, or shit for her apartment, and once i chose the barbie mcdonald’s thing so she could have somewhere to work. but never ken! no time, who cares? he was only going to slow her down and distract her from making something of herself.
whenever i thought about having kids of my own, there was never a guy in the picture. SINCE FOREVER. sometimes i have dreams that i’m pregnant or that i have a kid, and i’m always by myself. dark much? as much as i hope to get married and have kids one day, it seems as if my subconscious is telling me that i should probably start researching adoption agencies and/or sperm banks (not that there’s anything wrong with that). my point is, i’m starting to get stressed out — if i never saw myself having something, does that mean i’ll never have it?
